I was shocked when I first became a single mother. Wolf was two years old and I had been with his dad for eight years. I hated the term. I struggled. I never thought I’d find myself in such a position and felt so exposed, vulnerable and damn terrified.
There have been some truly hideous years, but Wolf recently turned seven and amongst the complete joy and pride I felt, I found myself thinking, “I’ve made it so far”. And wow, it’s one of the most magnificent and overwhelming thoughts I’ve had.
It’s my greatest achievement.
It got me thinking about being a single mother, and while it can be without a doubt incredibly hard, there are some upsides, which I’d like to revel in. Just for a bit.
If there was one thing I would bottle, besides the feeling I get when I’m sick and my son strokes my forehead (who’s the parent here, right?), it would be the weekends. You know the ones when you awake feeling fresh and new, no hangover, no additional work, no obligations… just good.
I’ve become quite selfish about the weekends. Oh yes. I like sleep ins, followed by the warm intoxication of fresh coffee. Sporadic conversations with Wolf, in between passive jazz notes. Shared showers. And lately, slowly making our way down to youeni.
At first I blamed the end of the year and its traditional tiredness, but no, my words just aren’t binding lately. Sure, I sense guilt and a desire to write, but nothing translates. So instead of pushing it, here are some random bits and pieces that have been billowing…
* I love lists and there are so many things I like about this interview on them, featuring the rather brilliant Umberto Eco. The mental image of his 70 meter hallway dedicated to literature, which only houses around 50,000 books, blows my mind. Just slightly.
* I’ve been writing a lot lately, you know, the old school way. There’s something about that soft scratch of a pencil on paper that romances me. Wolf starts kindergarten soon (no, let’s not talk about it) and I wonder whether an early introduction to technology will rob him of this. And whether it will really matter.
* Everyone seems to be getting tattoos these days, with the exception of those pesky-to-remove inky eyelid kinds. And although they’re probably considered mainstream, I’m still struck when I see one that is aesthetically quite becoming or just plain cool… yes, I thought of you my friend.
* I love the movies. Love. I adore sitting in the theater after the film has finished and reading the credits, the playlist, etc, but am rebelling against the hype of Avatar. Won’t/can’t do it. No.
* I have a hole in one of my back teeth. It’s not a small one either and seems to be getting bigger. My tongue is a bit obsessed with exploring it. I have health insurance and no real excuse… just keep forgetting. I know, it’s bad.